Sunday 16 June 2013

Domestic abuse

Anyone can be a victim of domestic abuse. It doesn't matter if you're male or female, black or white, young or old, gay or straight... abuse is not sexist, racist, ageist or homophobic. It does not discriminate in any way, shape or form, and therefore, it can affect anyone, at any given time. 

It's a very serious issue, and it most definitely isn't talked about openly enough.


The general belief is that domestic abuse is when a male acts in a physically violent way towards his female partner. In some cases, this may be true, but this only accounts for a fraction of domestic abuse cases that occur. 


This begs the question, what is domestic abuse?


Domestic abuse is what happens when one person in an intimate relationship attempts to manipulate, dominate or control his or her partner. They will use techniques such as fear, guilt, shame and intimidation in order to do this.


The four main types of domestic abuse are:

  • Physical abuse - also known as domestic violence. This is where a man or woman will inflict pain on their partner in any of a number of different ways. Kicking, hitting, slapping, pinching, burning and strangulation are only a few of the many examples of domestic violence.
  • Emotional/psychological abuse - Victims often refer to this type of abuse having more of a lasting affect on them than physical violence. Emotional/psychological abuse can be either verbal or non-verbal. The abuser aims to chip away at the victim's confidence and isolate them from the rest of their friends and family, in order to make them reliant on the relationship and therefore less likely to leave. Controlling behaviour, yelling, name calling, humiliating, isolating and threatening are all examples of emotional/psychological abuse
  • Sexual abuse - it's a shockingly common belief that abusive sexual acts cannot take place in a relationship. In reality, it is suggested that 45% of all rape is committed by current partners. Any unwanted, unsafe or degrading sexual acts are considered to be acts of sexual abuse.
  • Financial abuse - this type of abuse limits the victim's ability to get help. The abuser's tactics may include withholding money or credit cards, preventing them from accessing basic necessities or even sabotaging the victim's job.
These are the most common types of domestic abuse, but there are several other types of domestic abuse that exist, for example: 
  • Honour based violence  - this is when men or women bring 'shame' upon their family by doing things such as seeking divorce, maintaining inter-faith relationships or being attracted to members of the same sex. The victims are mainly women, but men can be victims too. There are often more than one abuser in this type of situation, considering that the family as a whole seek to maintain their honour 
  • Forced marriage - A forced marriage is a marriage that is carried out without the fully informed consent of both parties. These type of marriages usually result in emotional abuse, rape, violence and, in more extreme cases, even murder
  • Teen dating abuse - It appears to be growing increasingly common for young people to wind up in abusive relationships, with 1 in 5 young girls reporting to have been assaulted by their boyfriends, and approximately 40% of young people are suspected to be subjected to have dealt with some sort of abuse by the time they leave their teenage years.
It is estimated that 1 in 4 women experience some sort of domestic violence at some point in their lives. It's hard to predict how many people are in abusive relationships, because certain victims are not even aware that they are being abused. 

If your partner have ever prevented you from seeing your friends or family, are constantly checking up on you, continually try to humiliate you in front of others, force you to do things that you don't want to do, keep money from you so you can't buy things that you need or you find yourself living in fear of your significant other, then you are likely in an abusive relationship.

Personally speaking, I would recommend that you get yourself out of that relationship as soon as possible, regardless of whether or not you consider yourself to be in physical danger or not. You may love them and they may swear that they will change, but the tragic fact is, many abusers cannot change through sheer will alone. It takes a lot of time in therapy and a strong determination to change in order to alter these abusive thought patterns, and sadly, some abusers will never be able to make that change. Don't subject yourself to that abuse out of a sense of duty to your partner, or because you feel trapped in your current situation. There are things that you can do, and people that are willing to help.

If you are in an abusive relationship, consider doing the following: 
  • Packing a suitcase filled with essentials including money, passports, important paper work and forms of identification, keys for your house and a change of clothes. Keep this suitcase either hidden in your house or, preferably, at one of your friend or relative's house. Try to avoid keeping this at a mutual friend's house if you can
  • Make sure to have your mobile on you at all times, and ensure that it is topped up with credit too. Save useful numbers such as your doctor, lawyer and local/preferred crisis centre under your friends' names, so not to cause suspicion if your partner checks your phone
  • Be aware of 'the cheap shot'. If you are in an argument with your partner, don't drop your guard for a second. Even something as simple as you checking your watch for the time could give them the opportunity to attack
  • Rehearse an escape plan, in case you find yourself in an emergency. Try to go to a room on a lower level of the house, so you can climb out the window if necessary, or a room with a telephone in it and a lock on the door. Avoid rooms with no telephones in it unless you have your mobile on you, as you could then become trapped in this room.
  • Keep a diary of the abuse. This could be a record of abusive texts or emails that they have sent you, a record of hurtful conversations or events that have taken place or even photographs of physical abuse. This will provide some evidence if you ever need to testify against your partner
  • If your partner checks up on your online habits and phone records, then consider using a computer in a local library or buying a cheap phone that you can top up when needed and hiding it somewhere where your partner won't find it. This will give you the opportunity to look up advice or phone   helplines without having to worry about how he/she will react if they find out what you've been doing.
If you know someone that you suspect is in an abusive relationship, then please take a look at this page. It offers you some advice on what to do and say in response to their relationship.

Above all else, remember that this is not your fault and that you can move past this period of your life. You deserve to be in a relationship where you do not have to live in fear of your partner. You have the right to pursue any dreams that you have, or to be friends with whoever your heart desires. If your partner doesn't agree with this, then something is very wrong indeed.

I'll leave you with this quote from Hayley Williams.
"I don't care if the world or anyone in it tries to drag me down. Because I know that in the end, they will be the ones left tired from the struggle to hold me back."
You have the power to overcome this, and the necessary support to ensure that you do not have to do it alone.

0 comments:

Post a Comment